bending the truth fingers crossed

In a society increasingly dominated by ‘alternative facts’ it is beginning to feel like bending the truth is replacing good, old-fashioned honesty. More alarming is the implied acceptance that bending the truth or even lying outright no longer carries with it consequences.

“People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.” Otto von Bismarck.

Politicians, business leaders, adults and kids may believe the consequences of being economical with the truth do not outweigh the benefits. More seats in parliament, more money or more sweeties might seem like a good reason to bend the truth. Of course that is as untrue as many of the alternative truths being peddled today. When it comes to relationships in particular the consequences of bending the truth can in some cases be devastating.

Bending the truth – the first step on a slippery slope


bending the truth fingers crossed
“It was only a few quid darling…”

Lying is easy and it is addictive. The idiom goes that ‘lies breed lies’ and experience suggest it is pretty much spot on. Couples coming to counselling often find that a few seemingly inconsequential acts of bending the truth have started to snowball in to something bigger.

Medical research is starting to conclusively prove that lying is addictive and leads to a gradual increase in the scale of the lies being told. Research by University College London found that our brains can become desensitised to lying. In practice this can lead to lies escalating over time and the act of lying itself to effectively become a habit.

Therefore when your partner asks how much you spent gambling and you ’round down’, it sets in motion something that could become a habit. Similarly bending the truth about how attractive you find a work colleague could be the start of a slippery slope.

The irreparable damage of lies and bending the truth


“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” Charles Spurgeon

Spurgeon was ahead of his time when he wrote this. The advent of social media has facilitated the world-wide spread of alternative facts at an alarming speed. Within an hour bended truths can become ‘fact’. Whether a tweet from a questionably coiffured President or unfounded gossip about a friend, bending the truth can cause irreparable damage.

It is impossible to put a cost on the impact lies have on the mental and emotional wellbeing of an individual. Our counsellors work regularly with individuals coping with the aftermath of dishonesty in relationships. From deliberate office gossip to bitter words amongst family members that are eventually exposed, the damage caused by lies can be irreparable. Relationships are built on care, mutual trust and empathy. Lies undermine and, in time, can destroy those foundations.

Can trust be fully recovered?


“A liar will not be believed even when he speaks the truth.” Aesop

You can probably remember the story your mum told you about the boy who cried wolf. Despite the best efforts of parents, teachers and we humans can all too easily fall in to the role of the shepherd boy. Nowhere is this more apparent in relationships than when infidelity has been discovered.

Sadly we know this because relationship infidelity remains a common issue our counsellors tackle with couples every day. Where a couple decide to remain together, the ability of an adulterer to regain their partner’s trust is a massive challenge.

Will I ever trust them again?


bending the truth can i ever trust them again?On an emotional level there are doubts that are fundamental to what their relationship had been built upon in the past. Will they ever truly believe a partner is remorseful about their actions? Will ‘I love you’ continue to mean I love you or something else? Can they reach a point where it is not the first thing they think about upon seeing their partner?

Even the most basic and day-to-day actions can become fraught with doubt, anger and hurt. When a spouse says they are going to meet friends, will their partner be able to believe them? Are they just popping down to the shops or doing something else?

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” Friedrich Nietzsche

Looking through social media, the news and political soundbites you would be forgiven for thinking that consequence-free alternative facts are here to stay. It is hard to stomach the idea that the truth will forevermore be subject to manipulation. When it comes to relationships the consequences are massive and can be life shattering.

Relationships are of course the building blocks of society. Therefore the significance of a growing acceptance of alternative facts as appropriate is one we should not ignore.

Have you been hurt by lies in your relationships?


The Spark is available to help individuals, couples and families coping with the consequences of lies and broken trust. As a COSCA-accredited counselling provider our counsellors are highly experienced and skilled in working with individuals, couples and families.

Find out more about counselling for couples, individuals and families.

For more information or to book a counselling session freephone 0808 802 0050 or complete an online enquiry form.

cram our relationships

Humans love to cram. We cram for exams, cram for interviews and cram before that big presentation at work. A whole 24-episode TV boxset gets crammed in to a weekend and we cram our plates at the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Our modern lives are often described as ‘time poor’ leaving us more inclined, or feeling we have no option other than to cram. Which lays the foundation for an important question: can we cram our relationships?

Can we cram our relationships?

Cramming works in many situations. I recall university friends reciting the ‘C’s get degrees’ mantra as they crammed for exams after a semester of bunking off lectures. The ‘night before’ cram for an interview can often lead to a job offer. And it is nigh on impossible to find anyone who does not enjoy cramming ‘just one more episode’ of Game of Thrones or Homeland in before bed.

What does that mean for our relationships? Are they the next thing to be crammed?

Sadly the truth is that whether we made a conscious decision to or not, we are already guilty of cramming our relationships.

cram our relationships
Sometimes it feels like 6 hands are just not enough…

Get ready to cram some more

Britons are working longer hours than ever before due to economic uncertainty, the rising cost of living and falling incomes. The net result is a sense that we must cram domestic duties, leisure pursuits and relationships in to whatever time remains after work.

This is compounded by the messages we are bombarded with about self-improvement and how to ‘be happy’. Eat well, keep fit, expand your horizons, get up early, sleep for at least 7 hours a day, watch the latest show, read more, tweet, post, become an Instagram star and a lot more besides. Add that up and we inevitably cram our relationships.

Cramming sometimes works

Occasionally cramming for relationships can work. For example when a couple have both been working long hours for several weeks or hardly see each other, a night away can be an excellent relationship booster. But it is not a long term solution.

Why? Simply put, when we cram our relationships we send a message:  what I am doing when I’m not with you is more important.

Cramming couples

There is no way around it. Cramming relationships for any extended period of time sends out that message. Rarely is it intended but it gets through.

The Spark Counselling works with many couples who drift apart because their relationship has been crammed. In the majority of cases neither party has ever uttered the words ‘my time spent on [insert your particular relationship issue here] is more important than you’. But one or both have ended up feeling like it was said every single day.

For [insert your particular relationship issue here] there are an infinite number of possible problems. The one you placed there could be unique to you but it is just as important and worthy of discussion as the common ones like work, alcohol, drugs or other people.

cram our relationships
Could we squeeze in an extra hour?

So can we cram our relationships?

Of course we can. But hopefully in reading this post you will have realised the more appropriate question is this: should we cram our relationships? And the answer to that is a resounding no.

Instead we should focus on setting time aside every day to properly accommodate our relationships. To achieve that the first step for many individuals and couples is to examine what they do with their time.

We only get 24 hours each day to work, rest, play and spend time with those we care about. Contrary to what self-help books, life coaches and management gurus say, we cannot ‘make time’. We can only allocate time.

Does something need to drop off your priority list in order to make that time for your partner? Are you guilty of being a ‘cramming couple’? Perhaps tonight instead of cramming in ‘just one more episode’ it would be worth allocating that time to be with your loved one.


Making relationships work

The Spark’s mission is a simple one: to make relationships work.

Through counselling – for couples, individuals, families and children – and support services The Spark aims to make relationships in Scotland work. We operate from 17 locations providing local counselling and support.

Find out more about our counselling services.

We also provide a free Relationship Helpline for anyone coping with relationship problems plus our free Relationship MOT quiz.

Wedding CakeRegardless of how you do it, getting married marks a significant change in your relationship. Or so I’m told. You may be going all out with the dream dress and 300 strong guest list, or you might be grabbing your close friends and family to have a small ceremony on the beach. Either way there’s a few elements of the event which remain the same. A perfect example of this is the vows.

You might want to stick to the tried and tested vows promising to be there for richer or poorer, etc, or you may choose to write your own. The latter option may be a bit daunting, especially if you’re not the best writer in the world, but there’s plenty of inspiration for you on the internet these days. I was recently linked to a perfect example of personalised wedding vows over on Huffington Post. Read the article here.

The author, Samantha Joel, shares the unique approach that she and her partner used in their own vows. Joel, a Ph.D Candidate at The University of Toronto who studies relationships, used her knowledge of the subjects to create vows that the couple can use throughout their life together. I personally really like their approach to this. Not only does it appeal to my inner scientist, but I like the idea of creating a guide to work with over the years.

The concept can really be adapted to any relationship as we can all be guilty of taking things for granted as the years go on. It may be worth sitting down with your significant other, regardless of marital status, to come up with some guidelines of your own.

If you are currently in the build-up to your wedding, why not check out our tips for moving into marriage. Or take part in FOCCUS, our marriage preparation programme.