Humans love to cram. We cram for exams, cram for interviews and cram before that big presentation at work. A whole 24-episode TV boxset gets crammed into a weekend and we cram our plates at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Our modern lives are often described as ‘time poor’ leaving us more inclined, or feeling we have no option other than to cram. Which lays the foundation for an important question: can we cram our relationships?
Can we cram our relationships?
Cramming works in many situations. I recall university friends reciting the ‘C’s get degrees’ mantra as they crammed for exams after a semester of bunking off lectures. The ‘night before’ cram for an interview can often lead to a job offer. And it is nigh on impossible to find anyone who does not enjoy cramming ‘just one more episode’ of Game of Thrones or Homeland in before bed.
What does that mean for our relationships? Are they the next thing to be crammed?
Sadly the truth is that whether we made a conscious decision to or not, we are already guilty of cramming our relationships.
Get ready to cram some more
Britons are working longer hours than ever before due to economic uncertainty, the rising cost of living and falling incomes. The net result is a sense that we must cram domestic duties, leisure pursuits and relationships into whatever time remains after work.
This is compounded by the messages we are bombarded with about self-improvement and how to ‘be happy’. Eat well, keep fit, expand your horizons, get up early, sleep for at least 7 hours a day, watch the latest show, read more, tweet, post, become an Instagram star and a lot more besides. Add that up and we inevitably cram our relationships.
Cramming sometimes works
Occasionally cramming for relationships can work. For example, when a couple have both been working long hours for several weeks or hardly see each other, a night away can be an excellent relationship booster. But it is not a long term solution.
Why? Simply put, when we cram our relationships we send a message: what I am doing when I’m not with you is more important.
There is no way around it. Cramming relationships for an extended period of time sends out that message. Rarely is it intended but it gets through.
The Spark Counselling works with many couples who drift apart because their relationship has been crammed. In the majority of cases, neither party has ever uttered the words ‘my time spent on [insert your particular relationship issue here] is more important than you’. But one or both have ended up feeling like it was said every single day.
For [insert your particular relationship issue here] there is an infinite number of possible problems. The one you placed there could be unique to you but it is just as important and worthy of discussion as the common ones like work, alcohol, drugs or other people.
So can we cram our relationships?
Of course, we can. But hopefully, in reading this post, you will have realised the more appropriate question is this: should we cram our relationships? And the answer to that is a resounding no.
Instead, we should focus on setting time aside every day to properly accommodate our relationships. To achieve that the first step for many individuals and couples is to examine what they do with their time.
We only get 24 hours each day to work, rest, play and spend time with those we care about. Contrary to what self-help books, life coaches and management gurus say, we cannot ‘make time’. We can only allocate time.
Does something need to drop off your priority list in order to make that time for your partner? Are you guilty of being a ‘cramming couple’? Perhaps tonight instead of cramming in ‘just one more episode’ it would be worth allocating that time to be with your loved one.
Making relationships work
The Spark’s mission is a simple one: to make relationships work.
Through counselling – for couples, individuals, families and children – and support services The Spark aims to make relationships in Scotland work. We operate from locations across the country providing local counselling and support.
Find out more about our counselling services.
We also provide a free Counselling Helpline for anyone coping with relationship problems.